he wants to bone in the snuggie
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
You smell like stripper and shame
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
