dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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