We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
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toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
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