I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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