Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
