holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
