big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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