how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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