i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
