If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
