Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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