haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize