he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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