I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
