she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
