Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
