Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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