yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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