we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
