U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
