I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
