a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
