god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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