Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I've blown a few things in my day
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
