I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
