One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
