Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
