What a fucking waste of an outfit
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
