i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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