the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
