dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
