i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
