my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
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