You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
