i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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