You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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