She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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