On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The best revenge is premature balding
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Randomize
