My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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