Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
