he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
