I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
