When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
