I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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