just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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