Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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