I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
