I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
ok first of all what the fuck
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
