Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
