The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
