I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
