biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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