By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
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I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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